


Monachopsis

by Emejig16



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Fluff and Angst, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, M/M, alcohol mention, punk!phil
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-07
Updated: 2016-04-07
Packaged: 2018-05-31 18:28:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,017
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6482089
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emejig16/pseuds/Emejig16
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s impossible not to doubt someone’s intentions when your gut and mind are at war. Especially when that person is like Phil: a prick, a bit conceited even, but ultimately caught in some sort of a daze. Dan wants to believe that there is sincerity to him, but it’s hard to be sure and feel at one hundred percent ease with him and his seemingly glib words.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Monachopsis

**Author's Note:**

> Songfic to Ghost by Halsey.
> 
> Thank you to Maetaurus for Beta-ing this fic.

**  
** _I’m searching for something that I can’t reach_ **  
**

-

Dan sat at his windowsill overlooking the dark garden. The soft glow of the street lights seemed to be the only life present out there. Then again it was two am and those who worked night shifts were already at them, and the rest were asleep like he should have been. Restlessness was an infection that plagued his mind and kept him wide awake even when his eyes glossed over and it burned to blink. He could feel his exhaustion in his shoulders and with every breath he took, yet his body would not let him rest and drift away like he dreamed. 

He shouldn’t lie like that, he didn’t dream. Everytime he did manage to fall asleep he fell into a void of solitary nothingness. Unless he was dreaming of nonexistence, dreams and him weren’t a thing. 

He sighed quietly as he pulled the sleeves of the hoodie he had on over his hands. His eyes drifted over to the lightly snoring lump on his bed. The guy didn’t even notice he was no longer in his arms. That wasn’t surprising to Dan though, he knew he didn’t care about him all that much; at least not nearly as much as he did. No, he was just another late night call when he was in need of some “love”. Honestly, Dan should know better but he was a glutton for heartbreak. Dan just couldn’t keep himself from lying in the street, knowing very well this guy was going to come hit him with his car one day.

Of course, that was an over exaggerated metaphor. Dan wasn’t lying in the street; it was more like playing chicken with him knowing very well that he was in some sort of a looming danger. Yet, he played on. Letting himself get tangled in his comforting cologne, sharp blue eyes with a gentle gaze, and chilling lips and tongue. Dan chuckled to himself. Oh yes, he was definitely fucking with some real shit, but he was determined to come out on top; push him into the street first. Bad decisions were Dan’s game and he would play until he could play no more.

Careful not to knock anything over, Dan stepped down from the slightly open window and walked back over to his bed. The mattress creaked slightly as he sat on the edge of it. He looked over his shoulder, watching the duvet shift slightly. 

“Sorry didn’t mean to wake you,” Dan said softly as he got back into bed.

“S’fine,” Phil replied. “Just come back here,” he mumbled, wrapping his arms around Dan, claiming him as his little spoon. “You good?” he asked with a yawn. 

“Yeah, just needed to use the toilet,” Dan replied, melting into Phil’s touch.

“Have a good pee?” he teased sleepily.

“Shut up.” Dan quipped, closing his eyes. 

He hated this. He hated that he could fall so weak to Phil’s affection when he knew he didn’t want anything to actually do with him. Phil didn’t care about what made him blush, and the way he loved sitting in between his legs when they watched movies on his bed or how he made him feel a little less dead inside. At least that’s what everyone made it out to be, even though he didn’t exactly agree.

It wasn’t fair, but all was fair when you’d been clearly warned. Everyone had told him that he wasn’t to be trusted, and that he only liked him because he was just another cute face with an even cuter body. Believing them was so difficult; it just didn’t seem that way with Phil. 

-

_I don’t like them innocent_

_I don’t want no face fresh_

Phil was just another guy to fawn over. He was just another typical leather wearing asshole with the snakebites, pierced ears, eyebrow piercing, and tongue piercing (which he found out about much later). The same “badass” that had a never ending collection of flannel and beanies. To this day, Dan is still so pissed that he fell for him. Fuck him with his stupid glasses, and even dumber tattoos, or how good he looked when he had a short sleeve shirt on, putting them on display. 

_Want them wearing leather_

_Begging, let me be your taste test_

The only thing that got Dan’s blood more boiling was his smile. It was this stupid shit eating grin that just made his heart melt into a thousand pieces and his cheeks heat up every time it was flashed his way. What Dan was really trying to say is that Phil was the absolute worst, but he was his type: tall, smart, and adorable. 

He was the fuck face from “Intro to Graphic Design” that sat all the way across the room for the first month of class, until his computer crashed. Then he became the fuck face who sat next to him in class. Still, Dan was determined not to say anything to him if he didn’t have to. He could ignore the schoolboy crush feelings, but he was already fucked.

_**\- Seven months ago -** _

“Dan, right?”  Phil asked out of the blue one day. He had a voice as smooth as graphite being used to write “Fuck you” in cursive. 

“Yes?” Dan replied softly, not turning his head away from his computer screen.

“Can I borrow a pen?” he asked. This was a graphic design class where all the work they did was on a computer, what the hell did he need a pen for?

“Uh sure?” Dan asked as he rummaged through his bag for one. “Here you go,” he said as he handed the blue pen to him.

“Thanks,” Phil said with a smile as he removed the cap with his mouth. 

Dan tried to go back to his project but his interest had been piqued. He let his eyes wander over to the crumped up piece of paper Phil had smoothed out, that he was busy scrawling something down on. 

“What are you writing?” Dan asked quietly, biting his lip.

“Wouldn’t you like to know?” Phil teased.

“Sorry,” Dan mumbled back, slightly embarrassed.

“You asked nicely so I’ll tell you but, only because you’re cute.” he said with a wink, causing Dan’s cheeks to turn pink. “It’s going to be part of a poem. Right now they’re kind of just scattered lines about the transdimensional void,” Phil explained.

“The what?” Dan asked curiously. 

“The spaces inside of space,” Phil said simply. “That’s also what I do as a part of my graphic design portfolio.”

“Oh, can I see?” 

“Sure,” Phil said as he showed Dan all of the works he’d done so far.

“Why are there flowers and stuff?” Dan asked.

“It’s the void, anything could be in there,” Phil said.

“I like that,” Dan said with a small smile.

“Thanks,” Phil replied, rubbing his neck awkwardly. “I know you do more of the grids with floral patterns and other layerings,” he paused. “I like it; it’s different.” 

“Uh, thanks,” Dan said, looking away. 

“Anytime,” Phil said with a chuckle.

-

The thing is falling for him wasn’t all that bad nor hard. Phil was so fucking smart, and Dan could listen to him speak for hours on end. Phil was the best sweet talker, knowing how to get his words to seep deep into his ears, and make his brain turn. He just knew how to make a person feel good with a couple of sentences and tell them just what they wanted to hear. Also he was assertive–a go getter if you will. If he had something in his eye, he was already working on how he was going to secure and achieve whatever the thing was. 

_**\- Six months, two weeks ago -** _

“Here you go,” Phil said with a smug grin as he handed Dan a piece of paper. He was leaning on his left hand watching as Dan changed the color scheme of his latest project.

“What’s this?” Dan asked as he unfolded the piece of paper. 

“My number. You’re going to want to keep that,” Phil said with a wink before walking away. “Also, you look good in black.”

Dan bit his lip and blushed as he crumped the piece of paper and slid it into his pocket. 

-

They talked so much during class and outside of class. Phil would wave at and say hi to him in between classes or whenever he saw him. It was disgusting, to say at the least, how much Dan liked the subtle flirting. He knew he should brush him off and be a little harder to get but he just couldn’t do it. Phil was just so goddamn charming and all he could do was giggle and feed his ego even more.

Word was spreading too. Many people had seen him with Dan walking to class, hanging out in the park, and just being what was considered as “too friendly” for Phil. He wasn’t necessarily a dick, but he typically wasn’t this nice to anyone who he wasn’t trying to fuck. Dan tried not think about that; if he was another hook up, Phil wouldn’t be working that hard to sweeten him up and ease him into things. He’d take him to a party, get trashed, and see where the night goes from there. 

But things weren’t that way with them. Phil was kind of keeping his distance, while still being close to him. They had a “thing” that neither of them were quite sure what to call. It was something a little over a flirtationship but underneath a legit relationship. It was as though they were together but not off limits to other people.

Dan didn’t want to push it or anything because he didn’t want to seem clingy or have Phil reject him, but something was up. Whatever it was, it kind of made him slightly uncomfortable and that maybe he was being too passive, but all of those thoughts seemed to just melt away every time Phil smiled at him and called him babe. 

_**\- five months ago -** _

The cool autumn air bit at Dan’s cheeks as the two of them sat in the courtyard. The grassy area was well kept, despite the leaves that were slowly starting to pile up. He wore a dark red scarf with his hands shoved into his pockets as he listened to Phil ramble about his newest tattoo idea. 

They sat in Dan’s favorite spot: under the big tree that was in the corner, with their backs against the trunk. He watched as Phil picked up the dry leaves and crumpled them as he spoke, and Dan wondered if he did that to hearts too. Dan wasn’t sure what it was about Phil that made him think the could find something in him, but he was always looking. 

“Here,” Phil said as he picked up a brilliant red leaf and handed it to Dan. 

“Why are you giving this to me?” Dan asked, twirling the leaf between his index finger and thumb. 

Phil shrugged and chuckled nervously, “I don’t know why I do half the things I do when I’m around you.”

“Oh thanks,” Dan said, feeling his cheeks heat up. “Maybe you should add a leaf like to your sleeve.” 

“You think so?” Phil said as a little bit of pink crept onto his pale cheeks.

“It was just a suggestion,” Dan said quietly, looking away from Phil. 

“I mean it would fit. I only get tattoos of things that mean something to me. This leaf could represent you or something,” Phil mumbled, completely losing his cool. 

Phil did end up getting that tattoo two days later after he’d asked Dan out. 

-

_I like the sad eyes, bad guys_

_Mouth full of white lies_

Dan knew he wasn’t the only one, but he was aware that he was a favorite of Phil’s. Unlike the others he actually brought Dan along with him when he went go hang out with his friends. There was a fuck ton of weed involved, and Dan swore the smoke clouds filled his heart and masked Phil’s touch and identity. He knew Phil’s track record and how he had other people he could call up to give him what Dan wasn’t giving him just yet. Dan knew Phil would never give him up because of it, purely because he was such a prize to him.

Every time Dan texted Phil, he couldn’t help but feel this pit in his stomach. This strong force telling him that even behind the sweet pet names and little kisses here and there, that Phil was still busy being  _Phil_. Which was Dan’s elaborate way of saying getting plenty of ass from all of his established bootycalls. 

His friends always seemed to be giggling about something, and commenting on some sort of a joke that he was not in on. Sure, he was wearing Phil’s clothes that seemed to be saturated in his scent and weed, but the clothes swap wasn’t happening like the way others thought it was. 

Phil didn’t seem to pay it any mind because his arm was always still draped over Dan’s shoulder, pulling him close with an eyeroll as they spoke. He always seemed to have this dreamy gaze before pulling him close to kiss him. Dan felt that friends were always kind of that way; poking fun at what they didn’t know and pushing what they thought they did know. 

**_\- three months ago -_ **

“Phil, are you mad we haven’t like…you know…” Dan asked with a blush. “I mean we’ve been together for a while now and I haven’t–” Dan stopped himself. “It’s just that I’ve heard some things and–”

“No, no, no of course not. Why would I be mad about that?” Phil asked, placing his hands on Dan’s waist. He smiled when Dan looked away shyly at the forward gesture. “Don’t worry about that babe. I swear I only want you,” Phil said, feeling his phone buzz in his pocket. 

“You’re not mad?” Dan asked with genuine shock.

“Of course not; we can talk more about it later. I gotta go to class,” Phil said, giving Dan a peck. “Sound good?”

“Okay,” Dan said quietly. 

Phil kissed him on the forehead, “See you.” 

_Kiss me in the corridor,_

_But quick to tell me goodbye_

They never really did discuss it all that well, but Phil insisted it was fine. Dan just didn’t know if he was really keeping up with Phil’s lifestyle and all. He was always going out to parties and dragging him with, or he was just hanging out at the park late at night after doing god knows what. Dan didn’t like beer, but he didn’t mind a bit of vodka. He liked the way Phil’s hands felt on his hips, and the way his nose would brush up against the side of his face.

Dan wanted to be positive that he was in the forefront of Phil’s life with no one else in the background. Every time Phil’s phone would ring late at night when they were together it made that weird feeling he had grow and loom over him more. He didn’t want to be another person to Phil, he wanted to mean something to him.

It was hard trying to read Phil. He could never tell if he was truly satisfied with him and okay with what Dan was able to give him. Dan just felt like he needed to be different for Phil, because that was the kind of vibes he gave off sometimes. Phil seemed uninterested and like he could be doing so many other things other than hanging around Dan. 

But still, when his phone would ring in the middle of the night, the screen would illuminate his face, he’d type a reply, set his phone back down, and go back to cuddling with Dan. 

-

_You say that you’re no good for me_

_Cause I’m always tugging at your sleeve_

Things seemed to be coasting well between them. Phil was still getting high and then attempting to do art. Dan was still enjoying the cool metal of Phil’s snakebites and studying all of Phil’s tattoos. There were less parties and more quiet nights spent in at Dan’s, and most of the time Phil’s.

They weren’t the couple of the century, but they were doing fine. The found comfort in each other and spent countless amounts of hours together. That’s why it came as a shock to Dan when Phil suggested otherwise.

**_\- Two months, one week ago -_ **

“I don’t know if we’re going to work out Dan,” Phil said suddenly when they were doing homework together.

“What? Why?” Dan asked.

“Well, I feel like I’m letting you down, you know?” Phil tried to explained.

“No, I don’t know,” Dan said quietly.

“I just feel like you could find someone better than me. Someone that can actually give you more of what you want. And certainly someone that is not as big as a prick as I am,” Phil added, running his hands through his hair. 

“What are you talking about? You are giving me what I want.” Dan asked, not understanding. He couldn’t see the guilt welling up in Phil’s eyes and his chest. He couldn’t see the conscious knowing of almost betrayal and how shit it made him feel. 

“I’m an asshole Dan,” Phil said with a heavy sigh, evading Dan’s sincere eyes. “I lie, I do illegal things, I take advantage of people–I’m not a good person.”

“But you don’t take advantage of me.” Dan replied, placing his hand on Phil’s. Phil looked up at him and smiled sadly.  “I mean, yeah you’re an asshole, but you’re my asshole,” Dan said with a giggle, making Phil chuckle.

“Wow, you really know how to make a guy feel so great about himself,” Phil said with a playful eyeroll. 

“But seriously, I don’t want us to break up. At least not for this reason if we have to,” Dan said softly. 

“You’re right. I’m just being a little insecure. You’re such a catch,” Phil said, running his fingers over Dan’s knuckles. 

_And I swear I hate you when you leave_

_But I like it anyway_

“Oh shit, what time is it?” Phil asked suddenly.

“Just after five.” Dan replied.

“I gotta go, but I’ll text you later okay?” Phil said, getting up and pretty much shoving his papers into his bag. 

“Oh, alright,” Dan replied, unsure of what else to say. Phil gave him a quick kiss on the cheek, before practically sprinting out of the room. Maybe he should take Phil’s advice and find someone else. But no one else could make Dan feel anger, frustration, butterflies in his tummy and his palms slightly sweaty. He really liked Phil, no matter who he was made out to be. 

Plus that feeling that was always looming was starting to subside. It had practically vanished from his gut and mind. 

**_From Phil:_ **

**_I’m sorry for running off like that._ **

**_My manager would have killed me if I wasn’t there by five thirty x_ **

Somehow, a small part of Dan didn’t believe it. 

-

_My ghost_

_Where’d you go?_

_I can’t find you in the body sleeping next to me_

“You’re still not asleep.” Phil murmured into Dan’s neck. He was stiff although unmoving, as if he was beyond tense about something–something his mind refused to let go of. To Phil, it was unlike Dan to be so rigid while cuddling. He was usually like a giant fluffy pillow, that he never wanted to let go of.

“Neither are you.” Dan mumbled back. 

“True.” Phil conceded. A couple of minutes of silence aside from their breathing filled the dark room. He was unsure of how to proceed because talking about feelings was not something he liked to do, but knew he was about to get into. “Something on your mind?” Phil finally asked.

“You could say that…” Dan replied. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Phil asked letting go of Dan. He sat up properly with his back against the headboard. 

“Isn’t it kind of late?” Dan asked turning to face Phil. 

“I mean neither of us are sleeping now, and it doesn’t seem like we will be for a while now.” Phil said with a shrug. Dan sat up and rested his head against Phil’s chest. He smiled sadly as Phil draped his arms over his shoulders.

Dan sighed, “Do you actually want to be with me, or am I just another one?” he asked, astonished that he was able to get the words to flow from his lips so fluidly. 

“What?” Phil asked, sounding a little hurt.

“Am I just another person you can call up at nine at night and get them to come over?” Dan asked, with a little bit more confidence. 

“Dan why would you think that?”

“But I’m right; that’s what this started out as? It has to be, because that weird feeling thing I always got with you is gone.”

“I–” Phil started.

“Be honest Phil.” Dan said closing his eyes. 

-

_My ghost_

_Where’d you go?_

_What happened to the soul that you used to be?_

So much had changed over such a short time. The sloppy vodka kisses mixed with the sober sweet ones. The delicate skin being caressed with every last piece of clothing being removed. Soft moans, hushed words, too close and not close enough. Fingers through belt loops, messy curly hair, giggles on giggles, but slow and thoughtful.

Could it be that two hands just touched so easily without being shocked? Could it really be that for the first time in Phil’s life there was only one person and that it was him? It seemed so because the way he smiled at him, had him so gently between his legs, and so accommodating for Dan–well he’d be pretty astonished to see him care enough to do the same with anyone else. 

That feeling Dan felt had been sucked deep into void nowhere to be found. He still couldn’t read Phil but he knew it was a good story. It was interesting throughout and even better written all for his enjoyment, and in the hope that he would never put the book down. If it was an act, the show had gone on for too long and now it was real.

The vape clouds had subsided, hangovers dealt with, and lies faded to nothing. 

**_-Two weeks ago-_ **

“I like these ones right here,” Dan said dreamily as he ran his finger over the trail of black and red roses that were amidst the other tattoos on his forearm. 

“Mmm really?” Phil mumbled.

“You know I like flowers,” Dan said softly, eyes scanning over his slowly forming sleeve. 

“True, but I know you like the lionhead I have on my pelvis more,” Phil teased.

“Shut up,” Dan retorted.

“Who stops mid blowjob, to admire someone’s tattoo?” Phil said, laughing fondly at the memory. 

“I just have a finer appreciation for art.” Dan sassed as he sat on Phil’s thighs. 

“So do I,” Phil said with smirk.

“Stop that,” Dan said blushing.

“You’re that piece of art…that’s all.” he said, leaning forward to kiss the underside of Dan’s jaw. Dan giggled as Phil soft lips danced around his jaw and neckline. 

“Gonna leave another hickey?” Dan breathed.

“I dunno, did you leave scratches earlier?” Phil asked, knowing very well that Dan knew the answer to that question. Phil’s back was covered in bright red streaks from top to bottom. He would be lying if he said he didn’t enjoy it. Honestly, it was the hottest thing ever, and no one he’d ever been with before did that to him. Dan was definitely worth the wait, and way better than anything else he could get.

“Proceed.” Dan giggled, loving every moment of this. Phil was so gentle despite being a really good fuck. He loved the way Phil ran his hands through his hair, massaging his scalp and making him tingle all over. He craved the way Phil kissed him, his hand on his lower back pulling him closer to him, or the way he’d place his hand on his thigh and rub it. 

Dan never wanted to let this go. He wanted to be able to do this all the time and be Phil’s for as long as possible. What was even better, and a surprising twist, was that Phil didn’t kick him out afterwards. He always insisted that Dan stay the night or hang out just for a little while. It was like he never wanted to see him leave or be parted from his energy. 

Sometimes it was just so hard to read Phil from his heart and not what he perceived in his mind and what he heard. However he knew he’d found a decapitated rose amidst petalless thorns. 

Dan just wasn’t sure if he was lying to himself or not.

-

“Phil I know what kind of guy you’re like.” Dan said.

_You’re a “Rolling Stone” boy_

_“Never sleep alone” boy_

Phil sighed, “Okay maybe at the start that’s what I thought that this was going to be, but I swear it isn’t.” 

“How do I know you’re not lying? You said it yourself, you lie.” 

“Yes that’s true, but why do you think you’re just a hookup to me? We’ve been together for over six months and we just started having sex now. Does that sound like just another hookup?”

“No, I mean I just–I keep hearing things Phil. I heard that back when we started sort of dating you were still sleeping with other people. Like you were cheating on me from the start,” Dan blurted out.

“Once Dan; only one person, and we didn’t even end up doing anything because it felt wrong. I couldn’t do that to you Dan,” Phil said desperately. “Yeah I’ll admit that I got a couple of takers and offers, but I never accepted. I just couldn’t be that person anymore.”

“What?” Dan mumbled, turning to Phil.

“I didn’t cheat on you or go see anyone else. Did I think about it; oh yes I did, but I knew it was wrong. And I knew I had found someone who I didn’t want to hate me or leave me. Dan please believe me, I can show you,” Phil said, reaching over to grab his phone. “You can scroll through all of my messages and I promise you will not find anything.”

_“Got a million numbers_

_And they’re filling up your phone”, boy_

“Phil, I’m not going to go through your phone.” Dan said, pushing it away. He knew Phil probably had many texts of him declining; he was sure of that. He remembered how often the ceiling would illuminate blue before going back to dark, but also how less frequently that was happening.

“I don’t know what to do to make this right Dan. Please, I want to make sure everything is alright with us. I like being with you–only you– and I want to keep it that way,” Phil said, taking Dan’s hand. 

“I’m sorry, I think I’m overreacting,” Dan mumbled, rubbing his eyes. “I just- I’ve been thinking about this so much you know? I should have just confronted you first from the start.” 

_I’m off the deep end, sleeping_

_All night through the weekend_

_Saying that I love him but_

_I know I’m gonna leave him_

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” Phil asked.

“I don’t know, I didn’t think you wanted to hear it or anything,” Dan confessed sheepishly. “You’re not really the type to talk about feelings and emotions.”

“That is true, but I am willing you know? I will do anything for you. I mean what were you going to do if you never brought it up?” 

“Break up with you and never explain myself.” Dan blurted out.

“Oh,” Phil said quietly. “How long have you been thinking about this?”

“Yeah…” Dan mumbled, feeling extremely guilty. He didn’t even consider how Phil might feel. He had made himself believe that Phil didn’t actually like any part of him, and that he wouldn’t care if Dan was in his life or not. “Off and on. Recently, since we’ve been more involved and stuff.”

“I’m sorry for making you feel this way,” Phil said softly as he wrapped his arms around Dan, pulling him close. He could feel Dan’s head resting against his chest, gently breathing. 

“It’s okay. I forgive you,” Dan whispered, closing his eyes. 

“You don’t have to. I’d be worried if I was dating someone like me too. I don’t have the best history.” Phil replied sadly. 

Dan lifted his head and turned around to face Phil. He leant forward, tenderly pressing his lips against his. It was slow and slightly hesitant, so unlike their kisses, they eased into it. Suddenly, weeks of pent up emotion was bubbling to the surface and manifesting itself in one gesture. They kissed for what felt like an eternity before Phil pulled away.

“We’ll fix us.” Phil said, resting his forehead against Dan’s. “We can talk more and just– we’ll make this right and work it out.” 

“Yes, but now sleep?” Dan agreed with a yawn.

“It is nearly four am. May as well finally some rest huh?” Phil said with a soft chuckle. Phil lifted up the duvet and sipped into bed with Dan. The two of them rustled around for a bit trying to get comfortable, but once they’d found a good position, Phil wrapped his arms around Dan’s waist. Dan smiled as he happily snuggled into Phil’s chest. He closed his eyes and started to drift off into a much needed sleep.

“I’m going to make it up to you Dan, I promise,” Phil whispered, kissing the top of Dan’s head. 

“Don’t worry,” Dan whispered. 

_**\- Ten minutes later -** _

“Hey Phil, do you know what else might exist in the void?”

“What?”

“Pure lust and affection.”

“You mean love?”

“Maybe.”


End file.
